The other story of motherhood
We can be lost and found at the same time.
This is not every mother’s story. It is mine.
One of the greatest gifts my son gave me in my birth ( I mean his birth) is showing me how overpowering my existence was no longer what worked. The hustle. The I can. The lemme just squeeze that in …because kids need non-linear space. Space to dawdle and find entertainment. Most of you know this apparently, so if you did, maybe hop over to another article. I didn’t.
I mean – intellectually I knew that. Duh. But it was not embodied wisdom and it showed.
See I was great with adults, leading them into unforgotten places in their minds and bodies and helping them reclaim wholeness. I was the mystically minded that could extrapolate and understand the cross points in differing cultures and belief structures. I was the high school teacher that could lead teenagers to inquiry and understanding. I could do all of these amazing things, but kids — that was not my realm of understanding let alone expertise.
What you see in this picture is a woman drowning. She booked headshots to launch an executive tour of speaking in a five dollar old Navy shirt because there was no money at home. The night before the shoot there was also no sleep because the baby was teething. For said woman (yes, me) there was also no styling happening because this picture was taken in the throes of postpartum hair-loss in a race against the clock.
What clock you ask? One that I had imagined.
The reality was that I was not going fully back to work because primarily, I didn’t want to leave my son and secondarily my partner at the the time was not making the money that would make any sense in me going back to work.
Now, what is glaringly obvious to me now, was illusive then: I had choices. At the time, I couldn’t perceive any. I was exhausted, confused and in love with my child (my partnership was already dissolving even if I did not consciously choose to see it). In so many of the photos, when I look into the eyes of this new Mom, I see how deeply out of body she was.
The kicker? I am a bodyworker. For the past decade I have worked to help women reengage their strength emotionally, physically and spiritually. I had locked in to a really great life and I loved it.
Then I became a mother and life lead me back into my learning, into the spaces left unattended and away from the strengths I knew and understood.
It’s a big statement to leave there hanging. The reason it is hanging out there like that – was because that is how I entered motherhood: hanging out on a limb of my own consciousness, and I spent the second year of my son’s life trying to get back to a place that no longer existed. Even though, I knew it and wrote about it here.
Let me jump forward to the punchline for you – even when we are fully onboard to a change in our lives many of us lose a little piece of ourselves along the way, and we may not initially notice because we are so darn busy, or ecstatically grateful that how dare we complain or begrudge; unfortunately, unintegrated, undigested emotions, hang out taking space in our unconscious causing a raucous until we notice. They can wait years. Or longer.
So anyway, there I was in a rushed ensemble (there were shots in professional attire), and the places and lighting were fabulous, but all I could see when the photos came back were the vacancy in my eyes – confusion and a very obvious being stretched too thinnedness. Those pictures were worth their weight in gold because they served to wake me up to myself. I was in a bit of a vacuum and those pictures said, “Hey life is hard because you aren’t really here. You need help.”
Now, mind you at the same time I was loving my son and snuggling, breastfeeding, and walking in the woods with him, but I didn’t understand how to do life. How was I supposed to leave him and go to work? What were we going to do as a family? What is this dynamic field that is Mother?
So many questions. I also had a 36 hour labor that ended in an emergency C-section so my body was also deeply in recovery. (There is so much more to that, and we can discuss it at another time, or you can listen to a podcast I did with my midwife, called “Peace starts with birth” here).
You know what happened? I did. I happened. I slowed down and started seeking out practitioners that could help me get back into my body more deeply. I started doing the emotional work of integrating my son’s birth, which I think is some of the most powerful, unspoken work, mothers can do – and I began to awaken to the truth that I could not live life the way I previously had.
Why?
It wasn’t sustainable.
It had run its course.
I was leaving the early summer of life – where you can run around endlessly expending energy, and was being tugged into my expansion of life, turning from what can I learn to what can I give. I was being slowed down to become more fully myself.
But all I saw was failing. Not keeping up, and wondering how I had landed in a place that was so foreign to me – a place of frailty and dependency when I was the one that made dreams happen and flitted all over the world to teach and to heal, to learn and to love, now Life had sat me down and filled my arms with a miracle and where I thought I had to give (and you do you have to give a lot) what I really needed to learn was to receive. That I was worthy of this precious one and that he was in good hands – mine.
The funny thing about how the shoot ended – was this photo. The photographer took me to a place in the woods that I loved and walked for decades. When we arrived a man was serendipitously playing a digeridoo to the water. I kicked off my shoes and let my feet sink into the Earth.
“There you are,” the photographer said.
And it was true, for all the confusion and even the rhetoric of this writing, I had never been lost, I had always been here waiting for my own presence to catch up to me. We can be lost and found at the same time. We can be complete and broken down (or open). We can be masterful and have worlds to learn, thankfully, that option of growth and presence is always with us, underneath our feet, and holy intact in our next breath.
Some mothering stories are easy. Some are not. What I have learned to embrace is that the sacred bond between my son and I is a fluctuating one of student and teacher. Yes, indeed it is the role of parent to hold the space and the responsibility, but the soul growth between a parent and child is a dynamic all on its own, dancing so that the growth is exponential. I recently read Edward Bach speak of parenting:
“Fundamentally, the office of parenthood is to be the privileged means (and indeed it should be considered as divinely privileged) of enabling a soul to contract this world for the sake of evolution. If properly understood, there is probably no greater opportunity offered to mankind than this, to be the agent of the physical birth of a soul and to have the care of the young personality during the first few years of its existence on earth…ever remembering that the wee one is an individual soul come down to gain his own experience and knowledge in his own way according to the dictates of his Higher Self, an every possible freedom should be given for unhampered development.”
Even the unexpected lessons.
This is why to know ourselves, to care for ourselves and to seek out the support so we may rise to the call is a process never-ending. This is why being broken open — or in my case falling deeply into an understanding of a whole new way was necessary for both of us.
If you are gifted with the care of another, by birth or by life, I bow to you. If you are sitting with a mistake you have recently made, may I offer you the permission to apply a lense of learning, a scent of compassion, and large cup of release with a deep cry for grace, so that you may once again feel the presence of you in all of your brilliance.
To you, thanks for being here,
Kate
—
If you were reading and thinking — wait, where do I get this reflection in my own life? Maybe we can help. We have a 6 week intimate program called Root to Rise to clear confusion, define your focus and stabilize your vision for what you want to create in your life — and creating calm or peace counts, feeling strong in your body counts.
Going In and Going Together
Podcast about the strength of going in and going together.
It's time we listen to what our nose is telling us and gather the pack, to fortify and create the lives we are worthy of living. This episode Kate talks about intuition, its development, its universality, and its ability to help fortify us in our own right and in our collaboration with our community.
If you need help perking your ears, join us for an evening of writing and listening February 2, 2021 for what Life is trying to tell you.
Epiphany
When you make a little space: clarity can come.
Epiphany: clear sight, a-ha moment, manifestation.
The definition of epiphany in the dictionary and as it portrays in the story of Christ is the same to me: a clear-sighted moment, and finding of a star that you have followed, a manifestation of brilliance.
I didn't know that I had put those two pieces in my mind together like that until someone recently asked, and I said: Same same. Because spiritual truths are not separate from our lives, finding where you are going in your car, in your career and in your self all feel like some sort of an arrival.
There is a great confluence in my life in witnessing people's stories. As an English teacher, I first thought I had to teach those kids English, and then I quickly learned I was way more interested in teaching them how to be heard, and wove it into the lessons on prepositions and identifying clauses. When I started working with clients on the table, I thought that meant that I was supposed to fix what was wrong, then I quickly learned to listen to what they were saying so that they could hear themselves and the body could reestablish balance (yes, we are that amazing). When I started the podcast, I thought I was doing a pet project for post-partum me, yet what birthed was story after story of glimmering strength that showed there is a thread running through our lives that is our destined gift and growth. Often times it is something we overlook and dismiss that is holding a holographic key of understanding, and we don't know until the moment that we do, like an epiphany.
It is helpful - it appears - to have space for an epiphany for it to be able to occur. Enough space in your moment to let two truths sidle up next to each other for a new juxtaposition of understanding. Or to let the talent you dropped a decade ago, wink at you while you are bored in its hopes to ascend back into your life; or even as Lenoard Cohen sang to us, the light can stream through the cracks in the dark. I mean think about it -- what has already been whispering to you? What story seems too silly or too small for your busy schedule. How many times have you looked around and said, "I can't because, 2020, I mean 2021; well now ---." Let the thing that is most preposterous take some space in your life and see what it shares; not the Thing that makes you feel less than, the Thing that makes you feel : “This is so crazy!” or “Who am I to do this?“ or (my favorite) “This would be too easy!”
For so many years, I stepped away from my Catholicism for reasons that were grounded and true. In that space, I was able to learn so many other perspectives and expansive ways to see and understand how the pulse of the universe and our precious lives can move and manifest and when I leaned in, I was able to see more clearly the perfection of the roots of Christ Consciousness from which I have grown. I remember being astounded when I heard Neem Karoli Baba tell listeners to meditate life Christ, as Krishna Das retells, "He lost himself in love."
I was shocked that this powerful new dynamic (which is what Ancient Vedic practices were to me at the time) was pointing back to the place that those that loved and reared me were moved from. I find it no coincidence that this piece arises on my grandfather's birthday, today, the Epiphany. A man that truly lost himself in love through action: patient listening, endless game playing, projects with family or church -- a willingness to extend what he had. It was often and still is often that I receive epiphanies from the time I have shared with him and my grandmother, the steadiness of elders, bolstered by the immediacy of the parents who are doing the running raggedness of raising us. I also think of it as the Gift of our being here: the players and the place; the love and the loss; the peaks and the valleys; the things I missed; the things I gained; the things that are still holding out on the sidelines banking on the fact I will get them — eventually.
I think of these truths now, as epiphanies: knowing that it is all inscribed in infinite potential; that we are made to be encircled by love of generations; that as one of my dearest friends told me: “We have everything given to us at the time of our birth;” and that we can use that truth to eradicate our doubt and perception of worthlessness, realizing that in the ever ordered perfection of your arrival there is this little spark that can flicker, yet never fades, and holds the essence of your unfoldment and the journey of your own recognition of how brilliant you are.
And when you are in the places that feel more dark than light - -perhaps leave a little space for an epiphany and trust that the same spark that brought the clarity, brought you and will bring you through.
So Many Gifts — by Hafiz
There are so many gifts
Still unopened from your birthday,
There are so many hand-crafted presents
That have been sent to you by God.
The Beloved does not mind repeating,
“Everything I have is also yours.”
Please forgive Hafiz and the Friend
if we break into sweet laughter
When your heart complains of being thirsty
When ages ago
Every cell in your soul
Capsized forever
Into this infinite golden sea.
Indeed,
a lover’s pain is like holdings one’s breath
Too long
In the middle of a vital performance,
In the middle of one of Creation’s favorites
Songs.
Indeed, a lover’s pain is the sleeping,
This sleeping
When God just rolled over and gave you
Such a big good morning kiss!
There are so many gifts, my dear,
Still unopened from your birthday.
O, there are so many hand-crafted presents
That have been sent to your life
From God.
Perception is everything, and nothing.
I recently went on a innocent quest to ask two mindfulness practitioners a resource question and I received two very different answers: it reminded me in a time of memes and quick dm's we need to be tuned in to ourselves and moving from there, from our own clear, center. We talk about this, a gorgeous poem by Ellen Bass and more in this episode of #rebirth #podcast #mindfulness #doyou #beherenow #listen #womesupportingwomen.
Listen here or on your favorite podcast platforms.
"Don't Give Up."
If you need a moment to remind you of fierce grace and the power of faith, you found it.
In this chat, Kate and Lisa talk about what yoga looks like at 40 vs. 20 and why, as Lisa puts it: “Life is hard. Yoga should nourish you.” Lisa also gifts us with her story of having a stroke at 34, what a power listening to each other can be, and the decisions she made in Faith, after that moment that created her now. This episode is a must listen.
—-> www.lisaorear.com @lisaorear_
"Draw yourself near."
This episode Kate connects with Dawn Smelser, yoga teacher, healer, activist and open hearted human. Dawn shares a great story of trust, dissolution and rebirth. She shares how a conversation with Ramona Africa was a moment seeded in her childhood, and how she has learned to "draw herself near," continues to do so and teaches others to do the same.
This episode Kate connects with Dawn Smelser, yoga teacher, healer, activist and open hearted human. Dawn shares a great story of trust, dissolution and rebirth. She shares how a conversation with Ramona Africa was a moment seeded in her childhood, and how she has learned to "draw herself near," continues to do so and teaches others to do the same.
www.motherheartstudio.com
How can water help you be more creative?
We cannot fully function without having our basics covered. Just like the overly used car analogy: we too cannot run on an empty tank; what is even more fascinating is that we are more sure to attend to the cars’ mechanics than our own. Both operating vehicles, car and body, have become things that only the “experts” know – and that is where we have gone off track so to speak. Fine that Paul, my favorite mechanic is keeping me informed of my cars’ needs, I need to be mindful of my body’s needs. I need that relationship. That is my responsibility and key to being able to create my joy.
“When I am on the verge of losing it, raging or spinning out, spiraling into how exhausted or off track I am, I call out to myself and say, `Honey, you are just thirsty. Drink. Take a drink.’”
My client said this in an appraisal of herself and I almost dropped the phone at her clarity. We are thirsty. We are dehydrated and standing atop a planet full of water.
I do this to myself too: Search and search, turning away from the simple answers because we have turned away from simplicity, or as likely, we are more comfortable struggling for our power than residing in it.
The Now only needs our presence. Asks for our presence and that simplicity is startling enough to stop your breath, and yet one of the easiest ways to be present is to breathe.
Take a breath now.
Let it go.
Take another breath now, and let that one leave, too.
[Click here to receive a free meditation to find your center]
Why do we need to be reminded to breathe?
Why when we are invited to breathe do we relish in it yet this autonomic function is forgotten as so as we turn away our attention. Mind you, it is not the function ceasing, only our awareness of it.
This client is not the first woman to mention that “a lot of things go wrong when we are dehydrated.” That we cannot fully function without having our basics covered. Just like the overly used car analogy: we too cannot run on an empty tank; what is even more fascinating is that we are more sure to attend to the cars’ mechanics than our own. Both operating vehicles, car and body, have become things that only the “experts” know – and that is where we have gone off track so to speak. Fine that Paul, my favorite mechanic at Almond Street Garage, is keeping me informed of my cars’ needs, yet I need to be mindful of my body’s needs. I need that relationship. That is not only my responsibility as much as a key to creating my joy.
In this Now moment can we feel our feet? How about the breeze – can we reconnect to the cycle that supports life, our own and that all around us? We are mindful what gas we place in our car. Are we mindful of the octane that we put in our body? I mean really. Are we consuming quality or are we snacking on marketing? There is a major difference.
Water has become a commodity.
We can change that.
Patterns can be undone.
Water is a necessity for you.
It is.
Your power is a necessity for your creation.
Your connection to yourself is a key to your power.
So coming back to my client’s insight, our conversation wound back to: Keep it simple.
Are you doing the basic things to help keep your cup full. I mean, the metaphors are there for a reason why not use them?
Are we checking in with the simplest action or answer first?
Are we considering our body state or only our to-do list?
Can we look at the natural world for examples?
Hint. Your pets drink water when they need to. Plants bend towards the sun. Nature uses the same building blocks for you.
So Honey, take a drink.
Then with that satiated compassion for Self, let’s look at what else you are thirsting for out of your life because beauty abounds here.
Small actions can add up to big pattern changes. if you are looking to create change, establish new patterns and live more like you, you can start here: to receive a free meditation to find your center.
Stay connected,
— Kate
Who told you to think that way?
Text and email are a heavily used form of communication, but unlike a phone call or in person conversation, there is very little subtlety or nuance of tone (emojis do not always cover it, people) and no context of body language for either of you.
If you can site this source — please let me know in the comments and I will amend this post.
Yesterday I was either scrolling or skimming and something caught my eye. The author ‘asked you: “Have you ever received a text from a friend and took it one way, and later found out that wasn’t the senders intent?” Meaning, your friend wasn’t trying to dismiss you, but you read the content through a filter and thought they intended to hurt your feelings, say the wrong thing, discount your perspective et cetra, et cetra. They explained that when you begin to interpret something with an “I’m sure this s going South” type of reaction, pause and ask yourself:
Who told you that?
It’s a brain interrupter.
It alerts you you are creating a story from a pattern and not the moment.
Now — of course — when were in a clear situation we don’t need this. We are talking about when we write the story of hurt through assumption and - more often than naught - we don’t know we are doing it. The subconscious is a wily thing, an unreliable friend, so when we assume, well, you remember how that ditty goes.
Text and email are a heavily used form of communication, but unlike a phone call or in person conversation, there is very little subtlety or nuance of tone (emojis do not always cover it, people) and no context of body language for either of you.
So, before you text back in a frustration, ask yourself: “Who told you that?” If you cannot trace it, the source could be a story in your head that will create unnecessary heartbreak for both you and the receiver.
If you want to take another turn of the spiral, when you are having a bad day and the tape of “This will never work out” comes through, ask yourself “Who told you that"?” and let the answers come.
For more ways to sit and unravel the stories that aren’t true, or to learn more ways to become better friends with yourself, join our community newsletter here.
xo,
Kate
"Peace starts at birth."
Midwife, Birth Educator, and practitioner of body balancing, specializing in trauma, Terri Simmons joins us in a very special episode. Terri talks about birth preparation, how to communicate and prepare for birth, birth integration, de-stigmatizing postpartum and the invitation that postpartum integration can happen at any time. www.alchemybirthandwellness.com
This episode of Rebirth, Kate chats with midwife, Birth Educator, and practitioner of body balancing, specializing in trauma, Terri Simmons. Terri talks about birth preparation, how to communicate and prepare for birth, birth integration, de-stigmatizing postpartum and the invitation that postpartum integration can happen at any time. www.alchemybirthandwellness.com
Listen here
Through my work with Terri, as our family’s midwife, I have had journeys of rawness and integration. in my experiences as a body worker, healer and mother there are places where it could be easier to not feel. It could be easier to not fully stand in witness to difficulty, confusion, birth, parenting, and the list goes on. However, I know through my own life and through my clients’ that eventually the story must be witnessed, the pain held, and the difficulty be transmuted to integration.
As an independent woman and bodyworker, I never thought I would birth my child in a hospital, and I was humbled by life in the moment I was wheeled into one. I had expected to maintain my power of control (the fullness of that is a story for another day). I couldn’t have articulated that until a good year after, but I kept digging and I am glad I did. Birth - of any kind - is unique. Birth of a human demands all of the woman, her surrender, her trust, her strength , her release — not matter how it happens. I can only tell my story and share my medicine. I encourage you to tell your own, too. It is powerful to claim your victories and your lessons. Your confusion and your certainty; your pain and your triumph. I think birth carries all of that if we make ourselves available.
One of the reason that I am so deeply delighted to talk with Terri (aside from our friendship and mutual respect) is that I want every woman, no matter her age, to know that integrating your postpartum, your birth story can happen at any time.
Reach out if you have questions or if you are interested in working one on one with Kate or Terri.
We are here for you.
With love + gratitude for listening,
Kate
Listen here
Share your Story, and more gems with Ann Randolph on Rebirth
Comedic performer and international teacher shares her passion in bringing everyone to share their stories — without judgment. Contains adult language.